The real one

8 Dec

Do you know what I really like? Food.
And do you know what happens when I have a lot of stress? I loose my appetite.

Do you know what I need when I have a piano exam? My fingers.
And do you know what happens when I’m nervous for a piano exam? My fingers start to tremble.

Do you know what I need to give a presentation? My voice.
And do you know what happens to my voice when I’m nervous to talk in front of a big audience? It starts to tremble.

I think my point is clear. Stress has a big effect on me, on the way I feel and on my body. And I don’t like that. I can’t control it, let alone get rid of it. It makes me angry and scared and an ass to the people that happen to be in my way and I can’t sleep so it makes me tired too.
But the good thing is that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s only 16  days away. That’s only 384 hours. Or 23040 minutes. I can survive that!

So goal for the next two weeks: surviving. I’m being lived right now, I’m not alive. There’s a difference, and I know that. I’m aware that this is not who or how I want to be. But I have to. Just for now.

After these two weeks, and after these two last years, I’ll find what makes me happy. For real. And I’m scared because everybody seems to know what they want in life. But I have the feeling that they just don’t think about it as much as I do. That’s me I guess.

And it sounds wrong to postpone life. To say that you’re gonna have the life you want later, just wait a while… I know that. It should happen right now. But right now I have to do this thing first. This schoolthing, that makes me so tired. Once I have a piece of paper that tells the world that I graduated, I’m ready to leave. Leave this life and move on to the next one. The good one. The real one.

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3 Responses to “The real one”

  1. Vertigo December 9, 2010 at 5:38 pm #

    This right here is already the real life you’ve been living since you were born. Hard to grasp, right? So many people think “life will become better when i go to uni/highschool/work/graduate” but they don’t realise they have to make the most of every moment there is.

    • restmymind December 9, 2010 at 7:34 pm #

      That’s true. Living in the moment. Enjoying every little thing that comes your way. Tell the people that you love that you love them, today rather then tomorrow. Don’t postpone what you can do now.
      But: there’s things that you have to do, because people expect you to and not because you want to. Things society forces upon you, without you asking for it. Time spent with stuff that you’ld rather not spend it on. And then there’s dreams about the future. The promise you make yourself that when you finish this, you’re gonna do what makes you happy. And it’s misleading to think that you’ll have the opportunity. I know that. And I don’t want to look back to my life, knowing that I’ve always thought that things would get better, when in fact they did not.
      That’s why I’m not afraid to dream, and to do everything to make those dreams come true. And right know, making my dreams come true, is hanging in there, working really hard now, to get the results later. I will, I made myself a promise.

  2. MatthV December 24, 2010 at 11:41 am #

    Hooray, today you’ve reached the end of the tunnel 😀 😀 It’s party-time now :p

    Stress also has a big effect on me. Even so that years of stress (and other things) have caused me to have a burn-out (http://www.gezondheid.be/index.cfm?fuseaction=art&art_id=397). I’ve lost my start-up company and my girlfriend of 5 years because of this 😦 I understand you completely when you say you’re surviving instead of living. I feel the same for 2 years now. It’s horrible, I want to live again! All I can do is wait and heal. I’m a very impatient person, I want to rush everything. But this is something you can’t rush..

    It’s not all bad though. I’ve learned several important life lessons, things you normally only know when your much, much older, not in your early twenties. Like you, I think other people don’t think as much and as deep about life, goals, the future, etc like I do. Most people just go with the flow, they don’t really think about their future. So many people are disappointed years later with how their life’s turned out.. I don’t want to be one of them!

    It’s been a hectic year, a year with many downs, some ups and a lot of learning in the school of life. One of the things I learned is; If you want something, go for it. Don’t postpone it, don’t say ‘I will do that tomorrow, next week, next month, next year,…. DO IT NOW! We only have one life, we have to make the best of it. I rather do something and ultimately fail than wonder the rest of my life ‘what if’… Dream as big as you can, and don’t let others who think your dreams are ridiculous or impossible stop you. It’s because they are afraid to dream.. Screw them! I’ve also learned to never never never never give up! That’s what I do, I fight every day! And how important family and friends are. It’s times like these you discover who really is your friend, who really loves you. (not my ex, that’s for sure :p)
    The bond between me and my family, close friends has grown. That’s worth something, isn’t it? 🙂 And my favorite: If you’re afraid to do something, then just do it. It’s amazing how fear can hold a person back. A whole new world opens when you just ignore your fears. It’s not easy though and I failed many times 😀 But if you compare me now with a year ago, I’m a completly different person. For the better;) Just by conquering my fears 🙂

    It’s good that you have dreams, and I’m sure you will make them come true! You seem dedicated enough 🙂 Victory is that much sweeter when you’ve had to work hard to achieve it. I stumbled on this quote yesterday:
    “If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.”
    — Anne Bradstree

    Anyway, about the stress. Do you know what mindfullness is? If no, I suggest you check it out. Changing the way you think really helps against stress. It helps me, maybe it can help you? http://nl.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mindfulness

    Take care!

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