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You win some…

4 Jun

… you loose some.

and sadly the ones you loose are often the best ones. It hurts to realise once again to be completely alone in this. To have friends closeby but never close enough. I didn’t realise the last time when i wrote about saying goodbye that these words would get a whole new meaning so soon.

And so I’m still left wondering how to get there. And how to get my love for life back. And why…


Saying goodbye…

28 Feb

I’m feeling double because it’s hard to say goodbye,
but it’s also nice to go back home.
It’s painfull to realise that you have to leave behind
the wonderful people you met.
But at the same time it’s amazing
to think back about the last few months
and remember the beautiful moments we shared.

Somehow, it feels as if this experience was exactly what I needed
to be ready for the next part.
As in: graduating, finding a job, starting real independence.

And maybe, somehow,
this also means I can say goodbye to this blog.
I feel that since I started writing, I changed.
Even though I still have doubts,
I became someone I feel confident about,
someone I like and someone I think other people can like too.

And I didn’t just find myself, someone else found me, too.

I always just wrote for myself
(even though I appreciated the comments I got,
more than I maybe let it seem).
Nobody I knew in real life ever read my thoughts
and that made me speak freely and honestly.
Showing this blog to someone I actually know, puts an end to it all.

So now, it’s time┬áto take the next step, and say goodbye.


10 Feb

… are what I’m walking on. Butterflies seem to have nested inside me. I’m falling, and I’m falling fast. But as usual, my timing could have been better. The only solution is not to think about what comes after tomorrow. To try and forget about anything but today. Cause what will happen when I go home and he stays here? How can these few moments be anything strong enough to build upon? I have no idea. It doesn’t even seem to be happening to me. It’s as if I’m watching my own life from afar, as if what I’ve thought about so many times finally seems to happen to another version of myself. I almost didn’t believe anymore that it existed. But it does.

Those days

8 Feb

There are those days when you open the curtains in the morning and the sun outside makes you smile ear to ear.
And okay, when you go outside it’s still cold and you wish you had put a warmer coat (where it not that your warmest coat disappeared after a memorable night out),
but you feel invincible and happy.
Those are the days… the days that something goes the way it should, that people tell you that you did okay, that end with a beautiful evening.
The days that you feel like you reached a goal (however tiny it may be in the end), that you’re proud to be who you are.
The days that somehow, you shine.
The days that you are the person you’ve always wanted to be, but were to afraid too show.
The days that you get the affirmation you already knew you deserved.
Those are the days…

5 Feb

The eternal doubt

1 Feb

about what to do when there’s a begger.

Sometimes, they are just on the street, and you can keep on walking without giving it too much thought.
But sometimes, they get stuck in my head.

Today, it’s snowing. A lot. And it’s cold, very cold… And there was an old man, in the metro. Not just showing his cup, but really asking every single person for some money. And I said no. And than I looked how he went on, until the metro stopped at my stop. And I’m still thinking about him right now. Where would he sleep? How did he get like this? Would he have friends, or family? Would he still fall in love? What’s he thinking? Does he feel ashamed? When was the last time he ate? When was the last time someone was friendly to him? What was his job? Did he even have one?

What went wrong?

The other girl

17 Jan

Okay, after my last message (which I first wanted to delete, but then again I want to be honest to myself), a better one.

You know how sometimes you think: ‘she really has everything’? Well guess what, she doesn’t.

People think that about you too, sometimes, don’t they? And then, you can’t believe why someone would think that. Somehow, the grass really seems greener on the other side. Somehow, anothers life seems more interesting than your own. Somehow, their hair looks nicer, their shoes are shinier, their jackets are warmer.

And if they have a boy/girlfriend, it’s completely complete. I mean, why do they, and I don’t?

But then again. I am the smartest girl. I have gorgeous eyes. I love writing, and I’m doing it right now. I like my life, I’m good at it, and people like me. (not everyone, but hey, who can say that?)

So yeah, probably their life is different. Exciting, maybe. Or boring, who knows?

But I’m me, and I wouldn’t want to trade myself with anyone. Not for the world.