Lonely

17 Jan

The world is a scary place. And a big place. With many, many people…

And it scares me too, sometimes.

I can tell myself a million times: if they can do it, I can; if she can have it, I can; if he can make it, I can.
If there are so many people, there will be someone for me.
If there are so many jobs, there will be one for me.
If there are so many cities, I can live in one of them.
If there are so many houses, one day I will have one of my own.

But I don’t, do I? I don’t have the one, the job, or the house.
I’ve been telling myself for years that one day, I would be there, have it. Maybe be the happiest person on earth. But that day still hasn’t come. And I’m starting to become unsecure again. And that scares me even more.

And who can I tell such stuff? I mean, if I already scare myself, what can I expect of others?
And really, I’m not a depressed person. I just don’t like myself thinking like this, it’s a bit too dark, too lonely, too scary.

It’s one of these days that I wish would just pass, I wish it was tomorrow.

(I’m sorry for my blackness. But I thought I’ld wright it down. It helped a bit too.)

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Good (hair)day

11 Jan

I had a good (hair)day today.
And with my hair, that’s really something!

Also, I still have some adrenaline rush from an exam I just had to do… so don’t mind my rambling a bit, my thoughts don’t seem to stop tumbling over one another.

Maybe it also has something to do with a guy I met today.
He plays the guitar.
Man, what a long time since i met a guitarplayer…

And… My mind has been drifting to foreign places today. What about finding a job in India, or working in Berlin, or living at the foot of an african mountain? Or learn Spanish, or learn the guitar (I know someone who can teach me! ;p), or move to New York or Chicago? Or … I don’t know! But they are options, are they not?

Although, everyone I would tell, would probably declare me insane. I wouldn’t survive crowded metros, I don’t speak german that well, I couldn’t be a white girl in a black city (could I?), and my italian and spanish would completely mess up eachother… learning the guitar, however, seems doable.

Let’s start with the small things, and go from there. No words but deeds, that’s also something I decided today.

Growing up

8 Jan

I think I’m growing up. It’s scary and reassuring at the same time.

Somehow, I feel secure, I know who I am and what I can do.
I know I’m intelligent, I walk like I’m someone. I look like I have a life.

But it’s scary as hell too. I used to think I wanted to stay young forever, travel the world, learn, have no responsibilities at all. I used to want to feel free.
And part of me still does, but another part accepted that I’ll have to work, to settle, to be real.

And I’m scared to loose all of my love for freedom. That I’m gonna settle for second-best. That I’ll stop dreaming. That I’m not good enough for my own dreams. That I’ll never find my own life. That I missed opportunities. That I’m not who and where I want to be.

I think I’ll always be thinking too much, and maybe not doing enough.

But I have my whole future to keep improving, don’t I?

Rain

2 Jan

It’s raining in my city…
and I have dramatic music in my ears while walking to the metrostop
somehow, it suits my mood… but not in a bad way
melancholy doesn’t have to be a negative thing

I look down, try to avoid the puddles

Thinking about someone… for the first time since long
I thought I unlearned having even the slightest crush

But now that I do, he seems to be into my friend
and the sad thing is, I’ve seen this before…

Apart from that, I like myself these days,
and that’s something, is it not?

I don’t seem to have much motivation,
but at least I almost accepted my scenario for the future…

We’ll see what comes this year…
but no doubt, it will be an interesting one!

You know, I like rain and sad melodies
I know,  I can be weird sometimes
But hey, that’s me!

A toast

30 Dec

to the new year!

no resolutions
(though I should drink less coffee and more milk, eat less pesto and more fruit)
no expectations
(so as not to be disappointed)
no huge plans
(rather a big vacuum of possibilities and no idea which road to choose)
no unrealistic wishes
(but dreams to make come true myself)

but already a beautiful year to look back to,
and hopefully an even better year ahead!

Citygirl

13 Dec

They are hectic and loud and polluted and full,
and sometimes even just trying to shop in a full supermarket
freaks me out and makes me angry.
But I love to live there.
In cities, I mean.

I’m young, I want to learn things,
I have a to do list that gets longer instead of shorter.
I’m hungry for the world,
my eyes wonder around like they see everything for the first time.

Riding in the metro, catching someone’s eye, smiling in yourself.
Being in your own world while being part of the big one.
Listening to your own music, seeing the people you like.
Having a firm step on the sidewalk, knowing the shortest way.
Finding the good bar, knowing the best spot in the park.

This is how I like to feel, just enough attitude to get there,
just enough empathy to smile to the homeless guy on the side.

Cause I’m lucky, and I know it. And I love it.

Only girl

1 Dec

I want it to be tomorrow again!

I’m exited, I’m not as scared as before…
I’m listening to power-music
(as in rock with a good bassline, as in Triggerfinger’s cover of ‘only girl’)
and I’m believing it.

The world is out there, you know? It’s there for you to discover,
for me to explore.
I’m tired now, but tomorrow I will. It will happen soon,
and I will be ready.

And I’m not the ‘only girl’ for anyone yet,
but I’m a girl that knows what she (doesn’t) want.
And it will be worth waiting for a little longer. That is a promise I make myself.
I just have to remember to stay true to me, and not to settle. Not to act like the cheap version of myself.
Cause I deserve better, I think. So guys, you’re warned!
No more drunk moments, from now on it’s for real.

I could even say, the next kiss will be the right one. But I’ve said that before.
So no big statements, just a change of attitude.
You’ll see it in my way of walking.
And hear it in my talking.
And there’s a twinkle in my eyes, did you notice?