Tag Archives: fear

Living for the weekend

8 Jan

 

Selfdestruction is my best friend… and I’m living for the weekend,

except that I don’t even have a weekend to live for.

Okay, I realise that this sounds beyond sad. And I’m not that sad. Or am I?

Anyway, the selfdestruction-part sounds alarmingly true. I don’t sleep enough, I don’t eat enough (which, for me, is absolutely wrong). At least I drink enough, right? But hydration vs coffee and alcohol? I wonder how usefull that is…

I don’t know what’s going on. I even scare myself. I keep myself destracted not to have to think about it. And now that I’m writing this, I know that it’s a way of reaching out for help. The thing is that I should tell my friends or maybe even my family. Why don’t I? And this post is the most pathetic piece of text I ever wrote. I’m ashamed that it had to come this far. But at the same time I just hope that this is the low point I had to fall to before I could crawl up and take my life back.

The goal this week? I think that’s clear. Use the strength that is now hidden somewhere deep inside me to reclaim my life. Step by step, maybe, I shouldn’t want to much at a time. ┬áBut I’ll be back, that’s a promise I make myself…

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Running

2 Jan

I feel as if I’m running. I can’t look back, I can’t see what lies ahead, but I know one thing:
I can not stop running.
Cause if I do, I’ll realise that I’m running for nothing.
There’s no prize in the end, there’s nothing to run away from.
There are no people at the sideline to cheer me on.
I have no reason to run at all.

So why do I keep going?

Fear

27 Dec

Sometimes I’m afraid.

Of not being good enough.
Of  losing my friends.
Of not being a good daughter.
Of not finding my way in life.
Of not smiling enough.
Of never finding love.
Of being afraid.
Of being to hard on myself.

And that fear holds me back. It shouldn’t.
So goal from now on: trying to see when I’m afraid of something, ignoring the feeling and never letting it hold me back again.