Tag Archives: me

Clouds…

10 Feb

… are what I’m walking on. Butterflies seem to have nested inside me. I’m falling, and I’m falling fast. But as usual, my timing could have been better. The only solution is not to think about what comes after tomorrow. To try and forget about anything but today. Cause what will happen when I go home and he stays here? How can these few moments be anything strong enough to build upon? I have no idea. It doesn’t even seem to be happening to me. It’s as if I’m watching my own life from afar, as if what I’ve thought about so many times finally seems to happen to another version of myself. I almost didn’t believe anymore that it existed. But it does.

The other girl

17 Jan

Okay, after my last message (which I first wanted to delete, but then again I want to be honest to myself), a better one.

You know how sometimes you think: ‘she really has everything’? Well guess what, she doesn’t.

People think that about you too, sometimes, don’t they? And then, you can’t believe why someone would think that. Somehow, the grass really seems greener on the other side. Somehow, anothers life seems more interesting than your own. Somehow, their hair looks nicer, their shoes are shinier, their jackets are warmer.

And if they have a boy/girlfriend, it’s completely complete. I mean, why do they, and I don’t?

But then again. I am the smartest girl. I have gorgeous eyes. I love writing, and I’m doing it right now. I like my life, I’m good at it, and people like me. (not everyone, but hey, who can say that?)

So yeah, probably their life is different. Exciting, maybe. Or boring, who knows?

But I’m me, and I wouldn’t want to trade myself with anyone. Not for the world.

Growing up

8 Jan

I think I’m growing up. It’s scary and reassuring at the same time.

Somehow, I feel secure, I know who I am and what I can do.
I know I’m intelligent, I walk like I’m someone. I look like I have a life.

But it’s scary as hell too. I used to think I wanted to stay young forever, travel the world, learn, have no responsibilities at all. I used to want to feel free.
And part of me still does, but another part accepted that I’ll have to work, to settle, to be real.

And I’m scared to loose all of my love for freedom. That I’m gonna settle for second-best. That I’ll stop dreaming. That I’m not good enough for my own dreams. That I’ll never find my own life. That I missed opportunities. That I’m not who and where I want to be.

I think I’ll always be thinking too much, and maybe not doing enough.

But I have my whole future to keep improving, don’t I?

Whole

4 Jun

It’s hot. And so is going to be the summer. It’s going to be full of passion, if not for someone, then for life in general.
I feel it in every bone. I hear it in the guitar music. I taste it in the sangria.

I work like I’ve never worked before. Still, I don’t really know what for.
I dream like never before. I feel like never before. All by myself, I did it. I found a way to be just who I am.
Even without knowing where I’m going, and confused about where I came from. I am exactly in the place I want to be. Sometimes, I have a small moment in which the world doesn’t make sence anymore, but when I blink, the moment fades and my world becomes clear again.
There is today, and tomorrow. The future will come anyway, I don’t have to worry about that. The past is in the past.

I’m going to be fine. I’m whole again.

The forbidden fruit

14 Apr

Why do I always fall for the wrong thing?

Why do I fall in love with the older guy that doesn’t notice me? Why do I want to be something that I’ll never be good enough? Why do I like the people that I shouldn’t like? Why do I want to live anywhere but here?

What makes the unreachable so tempting? Why is it that what you have or can have is never enough? Why is it that I want to dream so big that I forget what I already have? How come that I want to reach goals so high that I end up with nothing?

It’s exciting to think big. To imagine a life in a world better than the one you have. To daydream about people you will hardly ever know. Because the grass is always greener on the other side. Because it’s hard to accept that you are just who you are. Because everyone want’s to reach the sky. And maybe the sky is not even the limit.
Dreaming keeps me going.

 

Defined

2 Apr

The trick is not to let yourself define by the shit that happens to you, but by the way you cope with it.

Fight or flight.
Smile or cry.
Get up or stay down.
Open your eyes or close them.
Know your fear or ignore it.
Live or die.
Sun or rain.
Half full or half empty.
Awake or keep sleeping.
Sober up or drink more.
Get outside or stay in.

A life with ups and downs or just one flat line.

Plan B

31 Jan

Being the smartest girl of my class didn’t work.
Being a perfect daughter didn’t do the trick.
Maybe it’s time I tried something new.

Start smoking.
Paint my face grey.
Stop wearing clothes of any color except for bright red.
Stop talking.
Get an alcohol problem.
Start swearing whenever talked to.
Stop wearing any clothes at all.
Disappear.
Start drug trafficking.
Stop going home.
Start calling every hour.

You think they would notice?