Tag Archives: secrets

Living for the weekend

8 Jan

 

Selfdestruction is my best friend… and I’m living for the weekend,

except that I don’t even have a weekend to live for.

Okay, I realise that this sounds beyond sad. And I’m not that sad. Or am I?

Anyway, the selfdestruction-part sounds alarmingly true. I don’t sleep enough, I don’t eat enough (which, for me, is absolutely wrong). At least I drink enough, right? But hydration vs coffee and alcohol? I wonder how usefull that is…

I don’t know what’s going on. I even scare myself. I keep myself destracted not to have to think about it. And now that I’m writing this, I know that it’s a way of reaching out for help. The thing is that I should tell my friends or maybe even my family. Why don’t I? And this post is the most pathetic piece of text I ever wrote. I’m ashamed that it had to come this far. But at the same time I just hope that this is the low point I had to fall to before I could crawl up and take my life back.

The goal this week? I think that’s clear. Use the strength that is now hidden somewhere deep inside me to reclaim my life. Step by step, maybe, I shouldn’t want to much at a time.  But I’ll be back, that’s a promise I make myself…

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Nakupenda

13 Dec

I was working on a little hospital, somewhere in a little village in Africa. I had to mix sand, cement and water to make mortar. It was heavy work. But there was an African boy helping me. He looked younger than he was, but he was stronger then he looked. A hard life made him tough, I guess. He didn’t speak English, like the other boys of his age, because he didn’t have money to go to school long enough. I could see that he was frustrated because he couldn’t talk to me like the others. But he made it clear to me that he had something important to say.

‘Mimi nakupenda’

I knew what it meant. But he didn’t trust that, he didn’t know if my Swahili was good enough to get the message.
I drew a hart in the sand. He nodded. I got it.
But to be sure, he came to me again, the next day. He must have asked his friends for the translation in English.
The first time he said it, I didn’t understand his pronunciation. He said it again:

‘I love you’

I understood. I made it clear that I already knew that. I smiled. What more was there to say?

I will never see him again. But I think about him a lot.
Even though we have a completely different life, even though we didn’t speak the same language, even though we knew we would never see each other again, we completely understood one another in that one special place and moment.

But here, in real life, sometimes I have the feeling that communication is impossible. How is it that all our computers and blogs and facebookaccounts and television seem to make real conversations so hard?

Shower

18 Nov

Sometimes when I come out of the shower and see myself in the mirror, I think:

Wow, they don’t know what they’re missing out on!

And then I smile and I put on my nice clothes.

But sometimes,  when I look into the mirror, I start crying. Because I can’t stand feeling so lonely. And then I put on my warm and comfortable clothes because feeling lonely comes with feeling cold and with the need for some wine, chocolate and a movie.

Its working

9 Nov

I think it’s working. Since I wrote about my ambitions, I feel better. Not that much different, but just like the better version of me. I sleep less and work more, but I also have more quality time, with me, with family and with friends. I also drink more, but I don’t think that’s the only reason that I feel better (although it helps, sometimes…)

I’m learning another language, I’m making plans for next year (I would love to go studying abroad and I think it’s gonna happen!), I’m being independent and I’m loving it! Taking control of your own life is what matters, that’s clear now. Cause everyone can be more, if they only want to!

Yesterday, a friend of mine stopped by and we had a really honest conversation about how we changed over the last years, and about how we both haven’t met the one. But to be honest, I’m not sure that there is only one… I believe that depending on circumstances and coincidences, you either meet people or you don’t. You can’t make everything happen (although you can make a lot happen!). Sometimes, you just have to be patient. Which can be hard, but eventually I believe that’s it’s worth it. When you’ve waited for something, you value and enjoy it more.
I’m afraid that I may be too closed. I don’t talk about my feelings to a lot of people. There are things about me that only I know and that I wouldn’t even tell my best friends for the world. That’s why I’m a little scared of being too open in this blog. But I have to. I have to be honest with myself, and that means writing down things that I’ld maybe rather keep to myself. But I believe it will help.

That said, you know now that you get to read a lot about me. Maybe even things I didn’t know myself before I started typing. It’s a weird thing, a blog. It makes me do stuff I never thought I’d do. But I love it!